Whenever sexual harassment happens, there is a victim and an abuser. Often there are also witnesses and observers—people who saw what happened, people who were nearby during the incident. Usually witnesses don’t intervene—they don’t defend the victim, they don’t confront the abuser. I believe that, whenever we see another person getting harassed in front of our eyes, we shouldn’t stay passive and silent any longer; instead we should speak up and tell the abuser that this kind of behavior is inappropriate and won’t be ignored and tolerated.
Have you ever witnessed somebody groping another person’s butt or breasts without the victim’s consent? When you walk around your city, have you ever heard catcalls addressed to some woman who passes by? In your workplace, or your university, or some other place you frequent, is there a person who routinely sexually harasses his female coworkers or peers? If so, I suggest you rethink what you do in these kinds of situations.
Here is one of my own stories from back when I was a university student:
It was one of those 30 minute breaks between lectures. I was reading a book, sitting at my desk in a classroom. Four of my classmates were nearby, having a conversation. I shared only a few lectures with these classmates; I barely knew each of their names. I had previously overheard a few of their conversations, all of them seemed like they might be a group of friends. I hadn’t talked with any of them personally. At that time, I mostly socialized with a different group of classmates with whom I shared more lectures. I was reading my book but gradually I started paying more and more attention to the conversation nearby. Three of my classmates were women, one was male. The guy, Bob,* seemed to me like one of those arrogant jerks whom I would never even consider befriending or dating. He was handsome, he did some weightlifting, but I didn’t like the way how he talked to other people. Among the women, there was one girl, Alice,* whom Bob treated somewhat differently than the other two. My impression of Alice was that she seemed a bit shy, not very talkative. Bob kept making verbal remarks about Alice’s physical appearance. The way how he talked to her also seemed somewhat rude for me. The longer I listened to the conversation, the more it started to seem to me that I was witnessing verbal sexual harassment.
By then my full attention was focused on the conversation between my classmates. I kept thinking that I would never ever allow any man to talk to me the way how Bob was talking to Alice. If somebody even dared to try treating me like that, I’d make this person regret it. More importantly, I was sitting on the edge of my seat, wondering about whether I should intervene. I considered walking towards the group and saying a few words to Bob, something like, “The way how you are currently talking to Alice is inappropriate. I highly recommend you stop it right now.” I’m a former debate teacher, very few people can stand up to me when it comes to verbal sparring. I could have easily handled anything Bob could have possibly replied to me. Yet I hesitated.
One of the quirks of my brain is that I’m pretty bad at noticing and correctly interpreting other people’s nonverbal communication. I routinely cannot decipher facial expressions, I often fail to notice body language, I don’t always perceive voice intonations. I frequently misinterpret whatever few nonverbal signals I manage to notice in the first place. Knowing the limitations of my own brain, I usually try not to make any assumptions about other people’s nonverbal communication that I’m seeing in front of my eyes. It’s safer for me to focus only on the words they have said. If I allowed my fantasy to imagine what they might have meant but left unspoken, I’d get it wrong most of the time anyway.
This is why I hesitated to say anything to Bob. What if I was only imagining the whole thing? What if Alice was perfectly happy with the conversation and didn’t feel in any way uncomfortable? Maybe Alice and Bob were simply flirting? I tried to observe Alice and how she reacted, but I couldn’t tell whether she was uncomfortable or not. Nonverbal communication is what influences whether some phrase is or isn’t sexual harassment. One and the same sentence can be perceived differently depending on how it is told.
Minutes passed. The break between the lectures ended. I didn’t say anything.
*Obviously, names are changed.
This incident happened about five years ago, yet it still bugs me. Did I do the wrong thing? Should I have confronted Bob even though I wasn’t sure about what exactly I was witnessing? Probably I should have. Let’s assume I confront Bob and tell him that he shouldn’t talk with Alice like this. Alice then tells me that I have misunderstood the situation and informs me that she’s perfectly fine. I apologize for interfering with their conversation, go back to my seat, and return to reading my book. Me interfering wouldn’t have hurt anybody. Me failing to intervene when I suspected sexual harassment could have hurt the victim.
Alternatively, if I didn’t know whether I’m justified to publicly confront Bob, I could have discreetly asked Alice at some moment when she was alone. I could just ask her what’s going on between her and Bob and whether she’s uncomfortable. If she said that there really is a problem and she dislikes Bob’s behavior, then I could offer to help her deal with it.
When sexual harassment happens in workplaces or educational institutions, there are witnesses who observe these incidents with their own eyes. Often victims themselves complain about one of their peers or coworkers or superiors. In such cases people shouldn’t ignore the problem; instead we should join forces and confront the abuser. When a single victim reports sexual harassment, it tends to be extremely uncomfortable for her. She risks backlash and even a potential loss of employment. But if numerous other people also spoke up and supported her with comments like “I saw it happen,” or “the abuser did that to me as well,” then it gets a lot easier for the victim to demand a change.
On top of that, harassers are also subject to social pressure like any other person. They perpetuate this kind of behavior only because they see that the society accepts it. Let’s assume some guy made a sexist joke about one of his female colleague’s appearance. What if five other colleagues spoke up and said, “That joke you just said really wasn’t funny at all.” Let’s assume the next day the same guy groped some woman’s butt. What if ten other colleagues said, “I saw you touching her, and I believe that your actions were inappropriate.” The abuser would be forced to change his behavior. Why do we leave victims alone and force them to fend off sexual harassment singlehandedly on their own? Why can’t we join forces? By ignoring the problem, we are siding with the abuser. We don’t have to do that, we can do better.